Diary entry 1

 Hi Barabus,

B, I’m really sorry for wasting your time with me and making you realise that trying to help me try to get back into world arc, is not going to work. Have you ever asked me, if I really wanted to go back, or is it just my guilty consciousness trying to show them and you that I just want to change for the better.

There’s also a possibility, which made me realise that you being the drama lord that you are wasn’t exactly helping me with controlling my behaviour, but in fact driving me deeper off the cliff. 

I know I wish I could have told you this sooner, instead of what I said around the lines on “I want to leave”, if only we could have just compremised on what to do, but if you do really care for our friendship, well we can both live with these regrets.

Ps: if you don’t have enough time to read all this, just scroll down to the third page. It merely wraps up at the end. Or if you wish to read all of this, just take your time to digest it into your soul by going back to it, whenever you get a chance to.

Yes I am aware that you truly want to help me, but now I know that it was pointless especially when I had to do some 1k rcl objective, just to get back shows I really didn’t want to come back… I wanted to come back not from some objective but from helping the guild out by getting stronger, sure it takes time. I’d rather build trust by doing that, over some objective that will burn me out.

I had emotions, that doing that objective wasn't really fun for me, and I felt like you wanted me to waste my time, when you gave that idea to me, I only shared it to the leads, for a “joke”. I didn't think that, Narc would actually want me to do it. So I just felt like I just had to do it… to try…

I just don’t have it in me to save my release crystals like you or Narc, apart from that rcl race competition. when normally I just get enough for the next lvl and farm up again or I’ll fish up the rcl fish amount. 

I’m sorry for making you angry, and forcing you to choose to not affiliate with me, just because of my argumentative behaviour, because I chose to multitask between game and discord on one device.

Yes, I know I should have not taken it out on you or Narc, but you are that one friend who feels nice to talk to and listen to me. I understand why you want me to not talk to you in dm anymore. you want me to think about what I am actually doing by myself and for that I am sorry. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you or narc.

If you do decide to unblock me and start chatting with me, let's start fresh off and just talk normally without anything inappropriate being brought up. I won’t bring anything up and I'll act like a me that you never met before, I also won’t butt into your conversations with anyone. After Narc mentioned that you had a wife. I literally remember you saying you had responsibilities, I narrowed it down to you having kids… and of course a cat. 

It was an eye opener to me realising that I should stop this inappropriate behaviour towards you as well as these weird random questions on top of existing conversations. Count on it.

I’m sure you can guess what I thought already B, because you sort of made me believe you were a single dad… emphasis on single and you kept saying gf, get real with me,  you’d be cheating on your wife, if you’d actually have one! 

I want to see an honest B and no more mentioning of gf. If we were to talk again. I’m sure that Samsung galaxy s25 phone, you had got is for your wife, not for your gf. 

I’m ready to just act like a loyal and normal friend to you and am ready to move on from that inappropriate behaviour, even if it's really late. I’m also sorry for not listening to you, B, and just letting my actions impulsively take control. It was absolutely wrong of me to do that to you, my friend. I don’t know if I tried to guilttrip or manipulate you, but if I did, I’m sorry for that too. 

I deserve to be treated as a friend you’d willing to share your private life with, not some friend online, where you share your dramatic side of what you wish to me to see. An explanation would be wise eh?

Why did I abuse you? as you solemnly asked me. indeed is the question I need to reply to.

Perhaps the reason is that I don’t exactly get you or understand you, B. Apart from me being mad at myself, or maybe me being unemployed could be mixing with my current mood and that also be why I was sending you 30+ messages continuously, hour per hour. I was bored and I needed a job desperately. 

I might have been trying to manipulate you which I’m sure didn't even work. Here’s my apology for abusing you and I’m sorry and I won’t do that ever again.

I’ll make sure I won’t lose control of my temper again. There are zero excuses for me to say that harsh shit that came out of my mouth to mentally abuse you.

I should have just admitted to you that, truthfully I didn’t want to do that 1k rcl objective, ik it was fair for me, but I should’ve just said I wasn’t having fun doing it, it just felt like a waste of time to me.

Even though by the end where I got 550 rcl, I just used that right away on the remaining of sword skill proficiency and I called the 1k rcl objective, voided. In all honesty, I was not having fun doing it, and I made it pretty obvious to you that I was just forcing myself to enjoy  said objective.

View the receipts.

In truth I don't know why I continued to beg for you to get back in, I was honestly in denial in most of these replies B. 

I should have just said I don’t wish to come back to the guild. I just want my access to the server back, that is it.

I’m so much in denial in these past conversations omg.

You can pretty much see it, pretty clear I wasn’t having fun with the objective, by how obnoxious I’ve been behaving towards you.

In that case I’m really sorry, I made you feel like that B and hurt you in the process. It was wrong of me to do so. If I wasn’t happy I should have just listened to you when you told me numerous times to just quit the objective, since it was making me unhappy.

As you put it, “it's better for me to walk away”, why didn’t my ego allow me to say what I’m really saying!

I guess those times my ego might have been in denial, constantly feeling the need to prove I’ve changed and I wasn’t listening to myself and what I’m feeling. I guess. I meant to say I was  sort of treating the objective like some competition and that might be making me slowly burn out from grinding and oh I know it was my fault that I accepted yun’s challenge in the middle of the 1k objective. 

“Have you felt the need to prove yourself after fucking something up and then your ego wanted to take control of you, B if someone tells you to quit a challenge?”

This might be what was happening to me. I guess I need to learn how to control my ego to be able to control my temper. 

I’m also sorry I’ve driven you to your limit constantly and then past your limit, where you don’t want to associate with me, or allow me to talk to you in dms.

I’m also extremely sorry for calling you weak, while also butting in your conversation with Bunny on saoif and also forcing you to blacklist me.

I’m really sorry for everything that I caused you, abused you and everything in between, even pushed you to your limit.

As you can see in the screenshot, where's the WA server, I thought we agreed to give you a private observer role. I left  the wa server, even if I only had access to the WOD read access channels. I did that on September 6th 2026, since I felt like I didn't necessarily need to be in it, even though I am an anonymous writer to Narc/Wal. I’ll be on an indefinite hiatus for wod.

Also I’ve decided not to attempt to join world arc again, unless you or anyone specifically asks for me to join. Well I’ve now joined Eternal Night, which Rinumiko offered to me as an option to join, now I kindly want to help them get stronger.

I’m really sorry that I caused you grief, if you do decide to give me a chance again to see me change for the better and perhaps affiliate with me again on the game, I’ll make sure to keep my promises and listen to you Barabus. :) 

I’ll not ask you to join WA again, since I don’t want to put autumn or Nem on a pedestal. I already told Narc on saoif, and made a vow to him, I don’t plan on joining again ever. Unless you all need me, but if that never comes, then so long, you won’t see me asking. Although I wouldn’t mind if you all want to test the waters by giving my access to the server back, on rozi acc or we can try it on my new acc, which would be all I would probably ask for now. 

I blacklisted you on saoif, for a while and later removed you from it (same thing with discord). So you’d have to send me a friend request again, if you do decide to affiliate with me again. 

Also please don’t unban me until after April 2027. I legit promised Narc that I won’t message you until a year. No I’m not lying, B, maybe this might be why I was awful to you again. I did in fact tell Narc in order to gain his trust back apart from being an anonymous writer for WOD. I agreed with him to not speak to you for a year. So I beg of you to not unban me until then… if you want me to be on better terms with Narc.

Also before the year ever ended at the beginning of this year, you said something along the lines of “you wanted space” specifically, I chose to give you a year of space, I decided this on my own without telling you B and when I saw that you messaged me after a few months. I was a bit annoyed; so I hid it from you, broke my promise with Narc and to myself. I wanted to test my limits of not talking to you. 

You might also be put on read most of the time, since by the time you get to reading this, I will hopefully, already have a job, (just ask me after April 2027, if it's indeed the case) and will be working away trying to earn enough money for such things like helping my mother try to move, me buying a phone, etc. something you my dear sir, probably would like so I won’t be chronically online trying to spam your dm or tell on saoif  24/7… 

I hope things get better between us soon. 

Now, finally, I will give you my skill records album to look over it and think if you really want to affiliate with me again B. https://photos.app.goo.gl/Co3tPxYxewEW29SW6.

please take your time B to think about what I said whether you’d accept my apology or not.  I wish you a Happy Birthday B! and best of luck.

Your Friend,

Jordan Drouin ( HarukaRozi ) 

Yes, that is my last name.